Joy of Being Nothing

In my personal and intimate fellowship with the Lord yesterday morning, the Lord led me to a higher stage of spiritual life where I could see myself in His light, and as Job did, I could truly say from the depth of my being,  "I had heard of You by the hearing of the ear, But now my eye has seen You; Therefore I abhor myself, and I repent in dust and ashes." (Job 42:5,6). 

Since the beginning of my Christian life, there used to be a spiritual dream of becoming "somebody" in the Christian world. Secular and earthly glory had been forsaken, yet the hidden ambition within me, even to accomplish "great tasks for the Lord" and "bring glory to God" were all in the same principle as that of the earthly. The more danger in spiritual life is the seeking of spiritual glory in the name of Christ. Often times there was an inward struggle to be someone or somebody in the spiritual circle. 

Liked it or not, there had been a hidden battle waged within me to be of someone who would be in a "circle of fellowship" on taking the lead for the Lord's move. Apparently, it looked like a good thing to be ambitious for the Lord's work, but deep within lies a hidden disease of pride, perhaps, spiritually, and a danger of love for leadership in the same principle as that of Jeroboam. To be precise, this is the love to be leading ones in the work of the Lord  as coworkers and among the children of God in a local church as elders. Of course, the Bible did say, "Faithful is the word: If anyone aspires to the overseership, he desires a good work." (1 Timothy 3:1). I definitely am not against the word of God, but referring to the love for leadership, of position, name and fame, rather than the overseership, as a shepherd among the flock of God. While the former is positional and objective, and the latter, functional and subjective. The former is to be abhorred to the core, and the latter to be desired and longed for.

I do confess that I did have this disease as ones who has been called by the Lord to serve. I am no exception. But the ministry of the word has been helping me to deal with ambition, which by the Lord's mercy, I am learning to be dealt with. The grace of God has preserved me till date, and through the cross by the spirit, the Lord has been gaining ground in me, inch by inch. Thank God for the faithful speaking of brother Watchman Nee, Witness Lee and the brothers who are blended together ministering the timely word of God in the present age. Time and again, I have presented myself before God be touched and graced upon, so that I may be a vessel proper, coordinated and built into the Body of Christ. I believe the Lord is faithful. As I was in an intimate fellowship with the Lord, I felt the veil that had blinded me was torn. I found myself in great relief. That thing that nagged me all this while was just gone! Praise the Lord!

Though the time I spent in intimate fellowship was short, and though I did not intend to bring this matter, but the Lord touched me in in this very thing. I just abhorred my ugly self, repented for nurturing such fleshly thought for so long, even under the cloak of spirituality, and looked to the Lord for His sure mercies and grace, that I be preserved all the days of my life. With the Lord's light, there was a drastic change of looking at things. As before the Lord I can now say, I don't desire such "dreams" any longer, and I am not even qualified for that dream to come true. What a relief, what a joy! Just be a brother who loves the Lord and serves the Lord as He graces. 

Now I understand J N Darby's song, "O the joy of having nothing and being nothing." 

O the joy of having nothing and being nothing, seeing nothing
But a living Christ in glory,
And being careful for nothing but His interests down here.
Whom have I in heaven but Thee?
And there is none upon the earth that I desire beside Thee.
O the joy of having nothing and being nothing, seeing nothing
But a living Christ in glory,
And being careful for nothing but His interests down here.

https://www.hymnal.net/en/hymn/ns/26

Lord, thank You for this grace! Preserve me by Your grace all the days of my life. Amen.