Since my childhood, there was hardly any opportunity to really expose who I was in my natural man. I have some "good" character of being "patient" and could endure many sufferings and ill treatments, even if they were meted out to me unrighteously, I would just patiently let it go. So when, I saw some people bursting out in anger, I thought to myself, "what a beast!" Little did I realise that the same "beast" has been sleeping peacefully within me. Its only that it hasn't been awakened yet.
Since I got married there was hardly a case in which I burst out in anger. Perhaps, a few cases to my remembrance, but in a mild way. I have been soft by nature, as I don't have the strength and the courage to be hard otherwise. So I always thought I can control my temper.
But since I became a dad of one, and then two and now three, things have changed and the "sleeping beast" seemed to have been disturbed in his sleep. Now and then I begin to witness my temper flaring up from nowhere for silly matters, all pertaining to my own kids' behaviour. Thank God, at last I am exposed, and blessed are my children who provoked me to give no rest to my "sleeping beast."
Few days ago, I was so much exposed of my temper. What I blindly thought of myself as "patient, gently, kind and soft" are all natural and very fragile. My own son and daughters made me so angry at times that I finally burst out, only to find myself in utter remorse and repented to the Lord for who I was. This kind of incident seems to be more frequent as I spend more time with my growing children.
Two incidents I regret very much were when my son stubbornly disobeyed what I said and I ended up punishing him to his tears. And when my daughter provoked me to anger and I punished her. Later, in both cases, the Lord convicted me so much. I was exposed and I hung my head in shame before the Lord, confessed my sins and humbled myself to reconcile with my children. These incidents were precious lessons to me. For indeed in me nothing good dwells. I begin to understand what Paul has said.
18 For I know that in me, that is, in my 2flesh, 3nothing good dwells; for to will is present with me, but to work out the good is not.
182 The flesh here is the fallen and corrupted human body with all its lusts. This flesh was not created by God but is a mixture of God's creature and sin, which is the life of Satan, the evil one. God created man's body a pure vessel, but this vessel was corrupted and transmuted into the flesh by Satan's injecting himself into it at the time of the fall. Now Satan as sin personified is in man's flesh, making his home there and ruling as an illegal master, overruling man and forcing him to do things that he dislikes. It is this indwelling sin, which is the unchangeable evil nature, that constitutes all men sinners (5:19).
183 Here Paul was careful to say that it is in the flesh, not in man's whole being, that nothing good dwells. Good does exist in other parts of man's being. The will desires to please God (vv. 18-21) according to the good law in the mind (vv. 22-23), but it is impossible to perform this good through the body, for the body has become the flesh, where sin dwells.
Lord, grace me with Your divine life, grow in me, transform me and mature in me to be Your expression, testimony and representation on this earth.
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